


Always in the Way [Extended]

by castihelled



Series: Lovers of the Flame. || One-shot book. [6]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Phan, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, First Meetings, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurities, M/M, Regret, Sad, Self Confidence Issues, Suicide, Suicide Notes, insecure, self doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2016-09-05
Packaged: 2018-08-13 04:52:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7963144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castihelled/pseuds/castihelled
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>year: 2009<br/>ship: phan<br/>Note: I decided to write an extended piece to Always in the Way bc in the end I implied/hinted at suicide and I think it would be kind of, ya know, interesting to write the build up to it and some detailing. The reason why I'm adding this in separately is bc some people can't handle stuff like this (and that's totally okay) so I'm just gonna do it here.</p><p>Warnings: Mentions of suicide and a tiny mention of self harm. Non-detailed suicide scene.</p><p>Disclaimer: This probably sucks.</p><p>This is set in November, 2009.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always in the Way [Extended]

_Normal. That's how Dan wanted to feel. He didn't want to feel as if he was being held back by something. He always felt so stupid having to explain to someone how empty he feels, what his pain feels like. All anyone says is "Oh." or "There are people who have it worse." And such things like that._

_Phil was never like that. He always tried to comprehend Dan. He always tried to help. There was never a time he wouldn't be there for him. It could be three in the morning and he would answer his pleads._

_Keeping his laptop open became a habit for Phil. He was always so scared of what Dan was capable of doing to himself. He always wanted to be there for him._

—

Phil sat on his bed, wide awake. Confused and scared, he went onto his laptop to check his YouTube notifications again. There was nothing. 

 _"Maybe he doesn't want to talk to you anymore, and nothing bad has happened to him."_ He thought to himself as he stared at the ceiling. 

It wasn't like Dan to do this. He would always go to Phil for help if something was wrong, so he was either trying to distance himself from Phil over nothing, or something is seriously wrong. 

He didn't want to believe that Dan got tired of him. He didn't want to believe that Dan was no longer interested in him. He denied it, no matter how many times his subconscious told him that it was a possibility. Phil was worried sick. Dan hadn't been on Skype since he commented "I'm sorry." on his YouTube. He hasn't gotten a notification that Dan uploaded. _"Maybe he blocked me?..No, that's silly."_ He mumbled to himself. 

That thought lingered though. _What_ _if_  Dan did block him?

Phil typed "danisnotonfire" in the search bar, and clicked enter. 

 _Nothing._ Phil started to believe that maybe he did block him. He typed in Dan's YouTube url in the web address bar on his browser. Nothing came up but an error screen that read "This channel does not exist."

Phil felt his heart drop into his stomach. He attempted to contact him on Skype again, but he got no reply to his messages, no answer to his calls.

"Fuck."

/

Dan jerked awake, covered in sweat. He had had another nightmare about Phil. He's been having nightmares ever since the day he (technically) said goodbye to him. Nightmares of Phil feeling lonely and dark inside. 

They had a bit of themselves that they always awkwardly overshared with each other, which would cause the call to end in tears from both ends. Most of the time, Phil would speak about how lonely he was, and how Dan was the only true friend he's had in years—His only friend, in fact. Although Dan always believed that then, he's beginning to doubt that he can't make any friends. He's almost one hundred percent sure Phil has made plenty more friends now that his burden is gone.

Tears were beginning to form as he thought about how Phil was probably so relieved that Dan had stopped talking to him about a month ago. He rolled up his sleeves to reveal some markings he had scratched on himself with a sharp object he found lying around the house. He always felt disgusting whenever he did this. He always said that it was dumb and a little bit pathetic, and people who self harmed just needed a friend. Now he doesn't have said friend, and turned his back to what he felt was another option to forgetting and relieving the pain. He had lines etched all along his right arm. He's never wished death upon himself more than now. He felt so pathetic for even placing that cold metal object on his soft skin. This was definitely not anything he had planned. 

He began thinking about how he should have just met him in real life, but also how much more it would hurt if Phil actually did reject him. He was in pain. In this past month, he's thought about making a new Skype, and calling Phil to let him know he's still alive, but stopped himself every time, assuming Phil didn't care anymore. 

However, Phil wasn't one to let go so easily. He finds it hard to let go of something so small, so letting go of Dan was the hardest thing he's ever attempted to do in his life. He still had the bag of Maltesers that were suppose to be given to Dan the day they met. He refused to open them. It was just so hard to let go of the simple fact that those were for Dan. Those were meant to be enjoyed by him. They were suppose to make him happy. Content. They were suppose to give Dan another tiny reason to live. Phil had even hoped that giving him Maltesers every time would become a tradition between them.

Only pain resided in them both, neither aware of how much they needed each other. Phil felt as if Dan didn't need him anymore, and Dan felt as if Phil just didn't care anymore. He found it impossible.

_/November 21st, 2009_

Dan had prepared this for about a week. He had gone online and asked someone who dealt with delivering "illegal" objects to do something for him. (The guy handled drugs, weapons, and of that sort.) Dan had requested that he deliver something in a box. Dan stood in the location he had asked to be met up with to exchange the item for currency. It was a dark alleyway a few blocks away from where he lived. It was enclosed with a very large, heavy gate door, and was a dead-end on the other side.

He waited patiently, as he said he'd be there at midnight to give Dan what he wanted. 

Footsteps were heard around the gate, and they stopped right in front of it. There was a click that unlocked the gate. The man who walked into the gate was wearing a hoodie and other dark clothing. He had the box in his hands. Gently, he dropped it at Dan's feet. He paid the guy, and he proceeded to leave, closing the gate door. Dan unsteadily opened the box, revealing a decently sized handgun. The other pieces that came with the gun were wrapped in a thin layer of bubble wrap, which he unrolled them from. He inserted them into the gun, pulling out a folded piece of paper from his pocket, placing it on the floor where he assumed he'd fall. He took a few moments to prepare himself for what he was going to do. He took some deep breaths, and stared down at the gun.

He gulped, tears forming in his eyes. 

_"This is it for me. After this, it's all over."_

He prepared the gun, and held it to his temple.

_"I'm sorry."_

He slowly pulled the trigger, and fell to the ground.

Once someone heard the gunshot, they called for help, reporting that a gunshot was heard in front of their house in the alleyway enclosed with a gate door. 

As fast as they could, an ambulance and police arrive at the scene, opening the gate door, only to find a young male lying on the floor, the gun only a few inches away from him, and a note near his body that read "To Phil." and his address under it. One of the officers handed the letter to another, asking him to deliver the letter to the address. Dan is transferred from the ground to an ambulance.

/

_November 22nd ; 2am_

There's a loud and urgent knock on the door. Phil, being home alone, cowardly tries to see who it could be. In hopes of it being Dan, he begins walking from his bedroom to his door, thinking _"What if it **is** Dan?" _ Smiling widely and warmly at the thought of wrapping his arms around Dan's smaller frame, thanking every magical being that he's alright.

When he put his hand on the knob, he took a deep breath in, opening the door and still smiling.

"You seem like a happy young man. Are you Phil?"

Phil nods, confused and secretly panicking and thinking of why the police could be at his door. _"Did I commit a crime somehow? Oh no."_ Was all he could think of in the short few seconds of waiting. 

The officer gave him a soft look of empathy, handing him the note that said "To Phil." On it, and turned around to walk away.

Phil's heart was pounding unusually fast and harshly. He closed his door, unfolding the note with unstable hands.

_"Phil. I'm sorry. I had to do this. Whatever you do, don't watch the news tomorrow. Just assume what happened to me, and never learn the truth. I'm sorry we never got to meet. I let myself get the best of me. If that makes no sense at all, I'm sorry. I just couldn't handle the possibility of you finding me repulsive if we met. I let it all get to my head, and I backed down. Without you, I've become a mess. I've been full of so much self hatred, and I've hated myself more than ever, trying to change everything about myself. I know you said you wanted to be friends for as long as humanly possible, but I've failed you. There's no way to take back what I'm about to do. Please don't do it too, just because I'm gone. I'm sure you don't care about me anymore anyway, so that's perfect. If you do care, please phone my mum and explain what happened to me."_

And in messy writing, was a number scrawled on under the note. Phil called the number in tears, asking if this was Dan's mum, which she replied with a yes. He informed her of the unfortunate events that have happened, and told her to avoid watching the news, as it was Dan's request to do so. He apologised, and hung up the phone. 

Not handling it well would be an understatement. He was distraught, and felt so useless for not being able to help Dan. He tried contacting him on all the social media he had, but everything was deleted, and he wasn't answering his Skype messages and the calls wouldn't even go through. 

He felt sick, and his heart was completely broken. He felt tears roll down his face, while his whole body was shaking. 

/

The next day, he turned on his television and completely disregarding Dan's request, switched to the news.

"An 18 year old young man, Daniel Howell was found dead in an alleyway last night at one in the morning, the cause of death being a suicide. There was a note he had left, addressed to one of his friends, further concluding that it was a suicide. The weapon was also found, only traces of his finger prints. We're sorry for anyone he was important to."

That was all they said, as always. People's death wasn't really that much of a big deal on the news, unless they were famous or old, but Dan's death was a big deal to Phil.

Phil felt the tears again, and turned off the television, crying into pillows.

—

**_Phil knew Dan always got to himself._ **

**_He knew that without him, he wouldn't be able to handle his self hatred._ **

**_He knew that it would all become too much for Dan._ **

**_All he ever wanted was for Dan to be happy, but he couldn't even do that._ **

**_This definitely did not go as planned._ **


End file.
